Friday 22 June 2012

Is this what you meant, Cherie?


I don't just cook.
Last night, I commented on a blog about that speech Cherie Blair made. The one in which she “criticises career yummy-mummies” . I was mad as hell. I had to stop work because my son was diagnosed with leukaemia when he was 2 ½ . Does she consider me a bad example? Perhaps I should have spent the 3.5 years of his chemo and regular (scheduled and unscheduled) hospital admissions carrying on furthering my career to set him (and his sister, who was born 3 months into his treatment) a good example. May be I should have employed a nanny to do all the shit stuff with him, comfort him when he was sick and frightened? If she (Cherie) read this she’d say (may be) oh, well of course that’s exceptional – but I would argue that my reason for stopping work is no more valid than any of the many reasons any other woman gives (although why a reason is necessary) for working or staying at home (although granted, it’s slightly extreme).

I have been quietly stewing about this over night. Not working, or stepping back in a career while children are around, is a big decision. Some people take to it like a duck to water, for others it’s harder. That doesn’t mean that those who found the decision to stop work easy or straightforward were secretly plotting it all along. Pregnancy does funny things to you. It didn’t come easily to me, and although it was absolutely the right thing to do, I raged about it silently (and sometimes not so silently). It took me a long time to get life back on track – albeit that it is now a completely different track. Who is she, Cherie, to judge me for the choices I made – for the choices any woman makes – when it comes to how they bring up their children and manage their lives.

But I calmed down a little and re-read some of the articles again, and the point I wanted to come back to was this. One of the things that she highlighted was a culture where young women – those who perhaps are highly educated and have every advantage, but not necessarily limited to them  – are choosing to actively seek out marriage to the right sort of man (one who earns heaps of cash) with the sole aim of not having to work, and simply to bring up children (or, in fact, to be able to hire the right nanny to bring up the children while they ‘retire’) rather than even thinking about a ‘career’. I hope she wasn’t I don’t think she was necessarily talking about women who began their adult life pursuing a career, or working, because they were interested, passionate, single-mindedly focussed, wanted to change the world (or just a little part of it), but then for whatever reason – be it financial, lifestyle or other - chose to step back.  

Now, I have a friend who works in the sort of educational establishment where such breed of the former young women exist. Those wannabe ‘yummy mummies’. We’re not actually talking about a huge section of society, but those who are offered every educational advantage and are driven to achieving excellent exam results. They need these results to get to the right sort of university. Why? So that they will meet the right man –a rich man. And this is OK with their parents. It is kind of expected. After all, doesn’t a career make one frightfully dull? A little job’s OK for a while, something nice in publishing or the art world, but a career??  My friend has been advised of this by her pupils.

I appreciate that this is ‘hearsay evidence’ (get me, Cherie – I used to be a lawyer myself, once), but I can believe it. While I was slogging my guts out (some of the time) to get a good degree, so that I could have a high-flying career and save the world, I was aware of some of my peers who had this type of attitude. I can also see that for women in less-privileged circles, marriage to a rich man might seem like an easy route, and  something to pursue. The media does of course propound this. Look at how they venerate the Middleton sisters  – but if you choose to believe some of the nastier comments made about them, they are just such a type: boarding school, the ‘right’ university, a stint at Jigsaw (I believe it was, Kate?), marking time in her parent’s business until she bagged a rich guy...  but I don’t want to get into a bitch about her. It’s not just the Middleton Sisters though. Look at the WAGS. I try not to, so I will probably say something uninformed and be shot down in flames, but my impression is that they are never ever really portrayed as doing anything other than being out to bag a rich guy, and yes, girls, you too can do this if you look like a carbon copy: Be thin! Be tanned! Wear the right clothes! Be vacuous! It’s the continued peddling of this sort of nonsense in the media that encourages this attitude at all levels in society. How are career women portrayed? Do you need me to remind you?

If this is what Cherie is railing against, then I agree that this is an enormous waste. It is a waste that  education will never be put to any use in the world, and it is a crying shame that these girls will not necessarily develop the resources to fall back on should they find themselves on their own.  I’m not talking financial, but the kind of inner resources you need to survive these days. It is also a shame that many will not even concentrate on their education because they believe that it is possible to marry a rich man/footballer and everything will be fine - and I think this applies across the board, not just the rich girls. If you are not committed to what you are doing because the end game is not to work, you are unlikely to reap the benefit of all the experiences (bad as well as good) that come from your working life. If it’s all a bit of a game, a time-filler between parties and suitable social engagements, you may not develop the inner resources to fall back on when times are tough. And you do need them. You never know what life is going to throw at you. My experiences at work helped me enormously when I was navigating the minefield that surrounded my son’s illness, Not the treatment itself, but how to deal with consultants, various agencies, pre-school and then school – to make sure he was properly cared for in the widest sense of the word.

However, Cherie, if you read this, please bear this in mind: If you are criticising women who choose to stay at home with their children, or to take a step back, having begun a career; those, like me who started out with thoughts OTHER than marriage on their mind, then my earlier comment stands. Women who have committed to work and then step back for a time, have a huge amount to offer to their children. They know about work and about the work ethic, and can share this with their children. They can (as they get older) talk to them about what they did and the choices they had to make. They can keep their skills going by volunteering - I used my skills to run the voluntary parent committee of our local pre-school for a couple of years – and can gain new skills. Can you imagine all the things that would fall apart without these women to offer their support? My experience currently is that more and more women are going back to work out of necessity and it’s noticeable that those voluntary groups that do amazing things but rely on volunteers, are suffering.  This is all part of setting a good example to your kids. Please don’t forget that.

11 comments:

  1. I had a good old rant about this on facebook last night. Fine if she is just talking about those who are after a 'footballer's wife'type of existence but that wasn't the impression I got. Seemed to me she was haraunging women who aren't career driven, and citing this as evidence of woment turning their backs on feminism. My personal hobby horse is that a main tenent of feminism is the ability for women to make choices about their lifestyle. There is no right or wrong but people are entitled to make their choices within whatever parameters they feel is right for their family and themselves. I'm not a career woman but I'm delighted that my kids know parents who operate in a variety of different ways. Mums at home, dads at home, mums working full time or part time, from home, away, self employed - whatever. All these people in our community are role models for my children. They show the world of possibilities available to women now. Plus what you say about non-working parents who support charities and of course the ubiquitous but essential PTA commitees, is very true! Sorry, thats a bit of an essay for a comment isn't it! Really got my goat though. Annoyingly that was probably exactly what she was trying to do!

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    1. well, I suppose if she wants to open debate, that's good, but she wound me up a treat. Mind you, I have seen her in court, so I shouldn't expect anything less. I am never very sure about 'feminism' and what it means because it seems to mean very different things depending on who you talk to, but I agree with you that the most important thing is that women (actually, anyone) should have choice. I suppose that means it's Ok to choose to hanker after a footballers wife lifestyle too, but I think you miss out on a lot of other opportunity if you restrict yourself to that as a goal. Rant rant rant! Thanks for taking the time to comment! p.s. have you read How to be a Woman by Caitlin Moran? was very good.

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  2. Just looked at a review of the book, sounds very much on my wavelength!

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  3. Good rant! Whatever she actually said or meant, she's an intelligent enough woman to know exactly how it would be reported and personally I don't think a woman with that much public profile should be using it to judge (or be seen to be judging)other women for their life choices, just because they're not the same as hers.Right, off to check out that book now... :)

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    1. well said! It's a good book. She lost me towards the end but most of it makes a lot of sense (and of course, is utterly hilarious in the process!)

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  4. Wonder what she would think of me! Beggars belief really.

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  5. This maddened me too and it's so very narrow minded. I love working, it keeps me sane, it keeps me fulfilled and gives me a focus on using my grey matter. I also think that it gives my own daughters a good example. However, I made a commitment to bringing children into the world and as one half of the parenting team bringing them up is my job too. It's a far more important job as well. Writing nice things in magazines is nothing to developing well rounded, confident and beautiful caring human beings - which requires patience and time and care (things I often lack but I work hard at it!) I personally found it nigh on impossible going out to work, the cost of childcare made it arse achingly depressing. I'm fortunate that I have a career that allows me to work from home, around the needs of my family, not everyone has that option. I work bloody hard at all hours that are generally not 9-5 and I've made my own career path. I consider myself very lucky to have the best of both worlds. I could rant all night but I won't! How to be a Woman was a breath of fresh air and it put all my confused thoughts on so many gender issues into clear language.

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    1. I am back at work now too, but like you I have a role where I can work flexibly and fit it around the children. For a long time they didn't even really realise that I was 'working' - not sure what sort of an example that was setting?! The suggestion that women who don't work outside the home are somehow shirking responsibilities, or setting a bad example really realy annoy s me. The reality is that very few are going to achieve the level of wealth that would allow for that 'yummy mummy' liefstyle' anyway, and its a hard slog (alongside all the rewards that it can bring).

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  6. So true about the work for voluntary groups. And the same applies to mothers who help their working friend with baby-sitting and school runs.
    Also it's one again that non recognition of the work a mother does, just because it's not paid. My children know it's hard work to look after your family and I am quite proud that they realise that (that's for setting an example).
    Another good book, one of my favourite, What Mothers Do Especially When it Looks Like Nothing by Naomi Stadlen.

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    1. Mother Goutte - you are the most amazing mother I know. If cherie ever needed an example of how someone sets an example to their children without having a career (in the sense that she is talkign about, it is you, and I say that completely sincerely. May be we should invite her for tea. I know a couple of other people that could give her a run for her money!

      I like the sound of that book. Will look it out. Do they have it at the library??

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  7. Thanks Recipe Junkie :*

    Although maybe I should say that if my children know what hard work it is to raise a family it might be because the house is a mess and I time to time rant on how hard it is... ;)

    I've got the book if you'd like to borrow it.
    Xxx

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